Fragment 1. Moving beyond: step one

That’s it. There is nothing you can do, nothing anybody else can do. All you are actually able to do is to wake up every day, go through the hours, exhaust yourself at the gym and hope that your body will be tired enough to switch off your mind at night.

You wish you could wake up and find out that it was just a bad dream, that nothing was real. Then it’s morning. And that pain comes. When you wake up and while getting dressed the idea hits you again as if it was the first time: never again.

You are not going to see her any more, no tea in the afternoons, no lunch on Sundays. She will not tell you any more how pretty you looked with that dress, which was one of her favourite compliment. She will not see you becoming an adult, will not meet your boyfriend, or husband, or your children. You wrote her a special ‘thank you’ on your Master thesis. “You are the pillar of my life”. You never asked her if she had read and understood it. Growing up, you learned to show how much you loved her, and now you don’t have any regret, or untold wishes. She knew that you loved her.

The last time you saw her, she cooked her (your, too?) favourite cake to celebrate the starting of your new job. At the moment of saying goodbye, tremulous tears came out through the eyelashes of both. Somehow, saying goodbye became  harder and harder with time, as if you both were scared of being distant.

In your head and your heart, with all the faith that doesn’t belong to you, but belonged to her, you asked her from afar to wait for you, just one more day. She didn’t wait, but you know that she would have, if she could have chosen.

She would have waited, in one of her pullover, smelling of lily of the valley and beauty cream.

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